Online shopping better than an orgasm.

grocery delivery large.jpg.560x0_q80_crop-smart

I should clarify, better than an orgasm for most chronically ill people.

This is a powerful and wonderful tool and anybody who knows me will be sick and tired of hearing me say with wide-eyed awe, “How do they do it???? Four-dollar delivery!!!!! Or free if you choose ‘flexi time’ AND they actually SHOP FOR YOU and then, THEN, they DELIVER IT TO YOUR DOOR, no kidding. SERIOUSLY. And and, AND, the guy, walks in and PUTS IT ALL ON THE BENCH FOR YOU.. for FOUR DOLLARS!!!” GET AWAY! GET AWAY!!!! No. no. its not true. It can’t be!!

You do the shopping from the comfort of your lounge, bedroom or toilet. Your personal account has a saved ‘bought before’ list so once you’ve populated that, it prompts you to get all the stuff you usually get so you wont forget anything. GENIUS.

With an expression of pure rapture and rather like somebody with advanced dementia and only the one story to tell, I can tirelessly repeat this miraculous phenomenon word for word, to anyone who will listen, over and over without getting bored or losing even one tiny iota of enthusiasm. Never. I mean FOUR DOLLARS. And they DO IT ALL FOR YOU. AND DELIVER IT. INSIDE THE HOUSE. LIKE literally ON YOUR KITCHEN BENCH and nine times out of ten the delivery guy is even cute! Of course to get the four-dollar delivery I have to pick a time slot like between 6am and midnight, but I don’t care. I’m HERE aren’t I? Just being sick and stuff. If you are healthy and reading this you probably can’t fathom my excitement over not having to leave the house looking and feeling like crap and exposing oneself to the fear of bumping into ex-boyfriends and navigating crowds under fluorescent lighting while I feel like passing out, somehow racing around the aisles before a total collapse to then make it home again, only to bring it all inside myself.

Chronic illness?? Do yourself a favour. Get your shopping online. Save your energy for chatting up the delivery guy.

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