My 15-year old’s formal is fast approaching and having been through this two years ago with my older daughter I know this time what to expect, and I want to share my wisdom with you.
Things have changed. Oh my how they have changed and how your purse will suffer if you have a daughter.
It’s no longer enough to get out the straightening iron and pop on a bit of eyeshadow at home yourself. Understand, you’re not anyone these days unless at least 50% of you is synthetic. Until half of you can literally be separated and placed on a shelf, you’re not getting it right.
So let’s break down this 50% and find out how you can be worthy of calling yourself attractive.
– Hair Extensions.
– Fake tan, nails, lips and eyelashes.
– Chicken-fillet boob enhancers.
– Target, Kmart or Big W formal dress. NOT. Trust me. Zip it. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
– A real tattoo.
– 1 litre of makeup plastered, spackled and contoured one inch thick. Your daughter should end up utterly unrecognisable when she walks out of the Salon; if this is not the case, send her straight back in there. She should be identifiable only by the Fluoro post-it-note you stick on her backside on the way in there.
– Spanks to suck in her stomach and hopefully push that excess fat into her bra.
– Waxing all over. And I mean ALL over. Don’t ask.
– Eyebrow shaping via threading. We don’t wax anymore. That’s so last year. Try to keep up.
– Accessories somewhere between Selena Gomez and Lady Gaga.
– Teeth whitening procedure one week prior.
– Stretch limo or Hummer to arrive in style. Don’t humiliate her with the family car; she may refuse to be seen getting out in public and then think of all the money you just wasted renovating her.
– The scent of a famous actress/singer costing not under $100 – or you can smell the “poor”.
– A ridiculously tiny clutch that costs more than a whole Louis Vuitton luggage set.
– Uncomfortable high heel shoes that she will never wear again (despite what she tells you).
The main thing to remember is NOT to suggest doing any of this yourself at home. Because you’re ‘just a mum’ and you are SURE to stuff it up… and also these activities are best carried out in large female packs. Only a professional can handle a bevy of hormonal, hysterical young women in dire need of pre-formal renovations.
If you dared to try this at home and somehow the results were substandard, then you would have to deal with mass hysteria and the possibility of losing your daughter forever. While this may sound appealing in the short term, you may feel differently in a few years time.
Far better to accept the fact that year ten girls, apparently now need extensive overhauls larger than what you did on your own wedding day and the simplest way to achieve this is by taking out a second mortgage.
* This article was written and illustrated for www.ChildBlogger.org