When I was four years old I made my dad a Fathers Day Present at preschool, which he loved and despised simultaneously. It was a glass-jar-penholder. I’d lavishly coated it in glue and rolled it in rice for a textured finish and then painted it red and blue. It was to take prize place on his desk at work and remind him of me….and remind him it DID, many times daily, as it shed copious amounts of rice all over his important documents. One day, rather sadly, he confided to my mother that it accidentally fell into the bin. I was none the wiser about this for a good three decades, until he finally ‘fessed up about how bad he felt. By then some of my own children’s artworks had accidentally fallen into the bin and I was able to be quite forgiving about it. Continue reading “What to do with the craft crap kids bring home from school”
According to the Urban Dictionary a ‘Hot Mess’ is defined as, ‘When one’s thoughts or appearance are in a state of disarray but they maintain an undeniable attractiveness or beauty’.
I like to think I’m a Hot Mess, but my hotness is more due to hormonal flushes than ‘maintenance of my undeniable beauty whilst in a state of disarray’. The ‘Mess’ part is due to my lack of ability to make my appearance a priority.
As the Summer Holidays draw to a close some might experience a feeling of subdued jubilation…. a barely stifled inward YEEEE-HA!!!… (Not you dear reader, other, lesser parents). Continue reading “BACK TO SCHOOL … and all the bad mums give a cheer!!”
It’s changed. A LOT. Kids birthday parties, much like formals are now upping the ante. They’re all turning 21 every year now. Break out the Mocktails. It’s a competition not a celebration.
Han: (aged 7): Emma’s mummy made traffic-light jelly cups for everyone in the class today, what can we make the class for my birthday?
Me: (Stunned silence) Wth? She made the WHOLE class traffic-light jelly cups?? All 30 kids?? Is that true? Is her mum home full-time?? With servants?
Han: <giggling> No mummy!!! Her mum works in the CITY every day.
Of course she does.
I’ve always been a pet person, so entering into parenthood for me was just an excuse to relive all of my own childhood pets again, and then some. I thought I’d do a brief rundown of some of the best and worst pet experiences I’ve had or heard about so here goes…
Like many couples, we initially bought a dog to practice our parenting skills upon. This turned out to not be very reassuring as our Labrador Bronson ate the whole house, including that plastic-handle-thingy on the washing line. For the first 12-months of his life I often felt like surrendering him to the pound and I fearfully delayed getting preggers because the pound doesn’t seem to accept babies.
Happy 46th Birthday!! Here, celebrate with this gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, sugar-free counterfeit cake that doubles as a Kettlebell. Never mind. Stick a candle in some tofu and pretend it’s Pavlova.
Here in Australia we are currently busy trying to work out if gay people have the right to be married, which I happen to think is a no-brainer, what I’m really interested in, something worthy of debate is passing a law allowing polygamous marriage to one’s pets.
I planned to take my girls apple picking with a few friends and, as the day drew closer, I was getting quite excited. It was one of those wholesome activities every parent longs to do with their family. While sipping on my tea, I paused with a smile and a faraway look to indulge in a brief fantasy. I imagined us all skipping through the orchard with our wicker baskets collecting rosy apples. Oh, how we’d all be smiling, throwing our heads back with laughter. There would be talk about coming home to make a delicious apple pie for dessert that night and the children would be thanking me profusely for the incredible experience of learning where apples really come from….
Fast-forward one week to apple picking day
We had a minor morning mishap with a Weet-Bix spillage causing us to run slightly late, and even though the Labrador had chewed my new bushwalking shoes, nothing could dampen my enthusiasm. I was basking in the glow of freshly picked apples, the sun shining, the birds singing. This was freaking Mother-of-the-year-award-winning stuff. The Weet-Bix incident was promptly dealt with. I put on my slightly chewed shoes, while simultaneously breaking up a squabble about who’s Zhu Zhu pet belonged to whom (and mentioned they could only come if their batteries were removed). I told Clairey my 4-year-old to put on her old sneakers, and NOT her new sparkly sandals. I checked off the list: Continue reading “Parenting. Reality vs. Expectation”
It seems there’s an app for everything these days and quite frankly it wouldn’t surprise me to hear of women having iPhones surgically inserted into their wombs to give babies a head start on their Instagram account. #InTheWomb #LifeOnTheInside #ImBored.
As I sat in Macca’s having coffee a while back, I watched an entire family at a nearby table expertly shovelling their fries and burgers hand to mouth without ever once taking their eyes off their phones. It was an eerie sight as silent mechanical arms dipped up and down feeding the open mouths like those clowns you see at the fair.
My 15-year old’s formal is fast approaching and having been through this two years ago with my older daughter I know this time what to expect, and I want to share my wisdom with you.
Things have changed. Oh my how they have changed and how your purse will suffer if you have a daughter.
It’s no longer enough to get out the straightening iron and pop on a bit of eyeshadow at home yourself. Understand, you’re not anyone these days unless at least 50% of you is synthetic. Until half of you can literally be separated and placed on a shelf, you’re not getting it right.