Parenting. Reality vs. Expectation

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I planned to take my girls apple picking with a few friends and, as the day drew closer, I was getting quite excited. It was one of those wholesome activities every parent longs to do with their family. While sipping on my tea, I paused with a smile and a faraway look to indulge in a brief fantasy. I imagined us all skipping through the orchard with our wicker baskets collecting rosy apples. Oh, how we’d all be smiling, throwing our heads back with laughter. There would be talk about coming home to make a delicious apple pie for dessert that night and the children would be thanking me profusely for the incredible experience of learning where apples really come from….

Fast-forward one week to apple picking day

We had a minor morning mishap with a Weet-Bix spillage causing us to run slightly late, and even though the Labrador had chewed my new bushwalking shoes, nothing could dampen my enthusiasm. I was basking in the glow of freshly picked apples, the sun shining, the birds singing. This was freaking Mother-of-the-year-award-winning stuff. The Weet-Bix incident was promptly dealt with. I put on my slightly chewed shoes, while simultaneously breaking up a squabble about who’s Zhu Zhu pet belonged to whom (and mentioned they could only come if their batteries were removed). I told Clairey my 4-year-old to put on her old sneakers, and NOT her new sparkly sandals. I checked off the list: Continue reading “Parenting. Reality vs. Expectation”

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iGeneration

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It seems there’s an app for everything these days and quite frankly it wouldn’t surprise me to hear of women having iPhones surgically inserted into their wombs to give babies a head start on their Instagram account. #InTheWomb #LifeOnTheInside #ImBored.

As I sat in Macca’s having coffee a while back, I watched an entire family at a nearby table expertly shovelling their fries and burgers hand to mouth without ever once taking their eyes off their phones. It was an eerie sight as silent mechanical arms dipped up and down feeding the open mouths like those clowns you see at the fair.

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Facing the Great Formal Farce with Mid-Teens

formalsjpegMy 15-year old’s formal is fast approaching and having been through this two years ago with my older daughter I know this time what to expect, and I want to share my wisdom with you. 

Things have changed. Oh my how they have changed and how your purse will suffer if you have a daughter.

It’s no longer enough to get out the straightening iron and pop on a bit of eyeshadow at home yourself. Understand, you’re not anyone these days unless at least 50% of you is synthetic. Until half of you can literally be separated and placed on a shelf, you’re not getting it right.

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Sick? Blame your Doctor.

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I was at my GP yesterday, and I decided to ask him for my appointment to be free; because I was still sick, and he hadn’t been able to fix me. I didn’t really, but I coulda.

As ludicrous as this may sound, in Ancient China (and some other countries too) that was precisely the way it worked for over 3,000 years – minus the past 300 or so. You paid the doctor to keep you well, and when you got sick, the payments ceased, making the Doctor work harder to get you better. A Doctor’s income was determined by how healthy his patients were.

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Online shopping better than an orgasm.

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I should clarify, better than an orgasm for most chronically ill people.

This is a powerful and wonderful tool and anybody who knows me will be sick and tired of hearing me say with wide-eyed awe, “How do they do it???? Four-dollar delivery!!!!! Or free if you choose ‘flexi time’ AND they actually SHOP FOR YOU and then, THEN, they DELIVER IT TO YOUR DOOR, no kidding. SERIOUSLY. And and, AND, the guy, walks in and PUTS IT ALL ON THE BENCH FOR YOU.. for FOUR DOLLARS!!!” GET AWAY! GET AWAY!!!! No. no. its not true. It can’t be!!

You do the shopping from the comfort of your lounge, bedroom or toilet. Your personal account has a saved ‘bought before’ list so once you’ve populated that, it prompts you to get all the stuff you usually get so you wont forget anything. GENIUS.

With an expression of pure rapture and rather like somebody with advanced dementia and only the one story to tell, I can tirelessly repeat this miraculous phenomenon word for word, to anyone who will listen, over and over without getting bored or losing even one tiny iota of enthusiasm. Never. I mean FOUR DOLLARS. And they DO IT ALL FOR YOU. AND DELIVER IT. INSIDE THE HOUSE. LIKE literally ON YOUR KITCHEN BENCH and nine times out of ten the delivery guy is even cute! Of course to get the four-dollar delivery I have to pick a time slot like between 6am and midnight, but I don’t care. I’m HERE aren’t I? Just being sick and stuff. If you are healthy and reading this you probably can’t fathom my excitement over not having to leave the house looking and feeling like crap and exposing oneself to the fear of bumping into ex-boyfriends and navigating crowds under fluorescent lighting while I feel like passing out, somehow racing around the aisles before a total collapse to then make it home again, only to bring it all inside myself.

Chronic illness?? Do yourself a favour. Get your shopping online. Save your energy for chatting up the delivery guy.

Coffee and Dairy – maybe they’re just not that into you..

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I have given up SO much that the thought of giving up coffee and dairy was simply too much to bear, so I turned a deaf ear to all things anti-coffee and dairy, I didn’t want to know. It was my morning ritual and it bought me joy. Deep down inside (not even that deep) I knew it was not good, not even the coffee itself but my longstanding love affair with milk and all things dairy.

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Ponderings of My Pantry

FullSizeRender-3.jpgI just cleaned out my pantry… ah the reminiscing, ah the HORROR. It tells the story of my year. It lets you know all my secrets and inmost fears and phases.

Most noticeable was the gluten free phase, and my obvious desire to make as many loaves of gluten free bread as was humanly possible as well as eating large quantities of rice porridge. Gluten free pasta also was in great surplus.

The less noticeable Sushi phase, was only evident from some weathered, flea-bitten nori (seaweed paper), rice vinegar (next to the brown vinegar, white vinegar and applecider vinegar, balsamic vingegar and caremalised balsamic vinegar), and a small container of shari (special rice), which leads me to the rice section. I had no fewer than five different varieties of rice, depsite the fact that I pretty much only use Basmati, 99.9% of the time… there was brown rice (both long and short grain), white rice, aborio rice, shari rice, and Basmati rice. I do have a vague recollection of becoming excited about the idea of risotto after watching some random cooking show, but its clear from the unopened packet this never became a reality. Like so much else in my pantry.

Continue reading “Ponderings of My Pantry”