GO HOME!! Food Freak!

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Happy 46th Birthday!! Here, celebrate with this gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, sugar-free counterfeit cake that doubles as a Kettlebell. Never mind. Stick a candle in some tofu and pretend it’s Pavlova.

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The gift and the curse of semi-wellness

wellFor the most part, I accept that I don’t know when I’ll be well again. I’m well some days, and on others I’m plagued with all sorts of aches, pains and my almost constant companion – exhaustion. My energy is like the Elvis announcement; he’s left the building. It’s there or it’s not. I can’t force energy to be there, I wake up and I pretty much know, ‘today I can drive’; ‘today I can do some shopping, but I’ll have to be quick’; ‘today I will not be able to deal with any social interactions without stabbing someone in the neck’. I can push myself, however there’s always a price for doing that, so I’m very careful as to which events are worth that effort of the inevitable aftermath. For example Dom’s mum was very unwell and I had a feeling it might be the last time I would see her so I braved the 2.5 hour drive to the central coast and somehow I rallied on only 3 hours sleep, but I was knocked senseless for the next three days. Clearly, I have some small amount of reserve, although there are days when I feel I wouldn’t have the energy to get out of the house even if it was burning down around me. The best way to explain it is that I can wake up feeling like I’ve just spent all day moving house; a house with 5 sets of stairs.

Continue reading “The gift and the curse of semi-wellness”

Online shopping better than an orgasm.

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I should clarify, better than an orgasm for most chronically ill people.

This is a powerful and wonderful tool and anybody who knows me will be sick and tired of hearing me say with wide-eyed awe, “How do they do it???? Four-dollar delivery!!!!! Or free if you choose ‘flexi time’ AND they actually SHOP FOR YOU and then, THEN, they DELIVER IT TO YOUR DOOR, no kidding. SERIOUSLY. And and, AND, the guy, walks in and PUTS IT ALL ON THE BENCH FOR YOU.. for FOUR DOLLARS!!!” GET AWAY! GET AWAY!!!! No. no. its not true. It can’t be!!

You do the shopping from the comfort of your lounge, bedroom or toilet. Your personal account has a saved ‘bought before’ list so once you’ve populated that, it prompts you to get all the stuff you usually get so you wont forget anything. GENIUS.

With an expression of pure rapture and rather like somebody with advanced dementia and only the one story to tell, I can tirelessly repeat this miraculous phenomenon word for word, to anyone who will listen, over and over without getting bored or losing even one tiny iota of enthusiasm. Never. I mean FOUR DOLLARS. And they DO IT ALL FOR YOU. AND DELIVER IT. INSIDE THE HOUSE. LIKE literally ON YOUR KITCHEN BENCH and nine times out of ten the delivery guy is even cute! Of course to get the four-dollar delivery I have to pick a time slot like between 6am and midnight, but I don’t care. I’m HERE aren’t I? Just being sick and stuff. If you are healthy and reading this you probably can’t fathom my excitement over not having to leave the house looking and feeling like crap and exposing oneself to the fear of bumping into ex-boyfriends and navigating crowds under fluorescent lighting while I feel like passing out, somehow racing around the aisles before a total collapse to then make it home again, only to bring it all inside myself.

Chronic illness?? Do yourself a favour. Get your shopping online. Save your energy for chatting up the delivery guy.

Dry Skin Brush-off

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They say a fool and his/her money are easily parted, I’d like to alter that saying to a ‘Chronically ill person and their money are easily parted.. to products claiming to make them feel well.’

Dry skin brushes. They’re expensive and they look really great hanging in the bathroom all organic like. That line should go at the bottom of my article, since it sums things up succinctly. I enthusiastically bought my whole family one each after reading several online articles saying this was a cheap and easy way to give your body a wake up each morning before your shower, it feels nice and it’s really good for your circulation. Glowing skin. Bla bla bla. I’m sure it really is; but I stopped doing it after about 2 weeks …when it was clearly not living up to one articles claim, “as good as that first cup of coffee in the morning for waking you up and making you feel great.” No. sorry. No. It is not. They are both a light brown colour and the similarity ends there.

Sometimes I think its just another bloody thing to do each morning. Scrape your tongue, exfoliate, moisturise, cleanse, tone, juice a lemon, make a protein shake, yoga, tai chi, meditate, cleanse your chakras, get some sunlight and a walk with your shoes off to get the earths negative ions OMG it’s never ending. Maybe the skin brushing has fabulous long-term benefits but it looks like I’m never going to find out. I have to admit that the ‘coffee’ line got me in since I’d given that up (I say that so easily but it was like giving up crack), and I would love to think the dry brushing could give me the caffeine and dairy fix I was after, so of course I was headed for disappointment.

Look, if you have an extra 5 minutes to brush your skin all over every day, I say do it, it does feel nice and it has benefits and you go for it. Don’t let me put you off.

The hidden predicament of ‘too sick to work; too ‘undiagnosable’ to get any assistance.’

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Woe betide the person who develops a chronic health condition that has no name and which doesn’t show up on conventional health tests. You are about the enter a hellish realm of being seen as a lazy, antisocial, hypochondriac – and thats just what your doctor thinks of you. Your friends and family will become tired of you and your one subject conversation and you’ll start to not bother mentioning it; which will further cement the notion in everybody’s heads that you are making it all up and in reality you are living it up on the couch at home watching YouTube videos all day while they’re all out paying taxes. Continue reading “The hidden predicament of ‘too sick to work; too ‘undiagnosable’ to get any assistance.’”